02 Mar Chilvary is dead, chilvary is dead, chilvary is dead.
Chilvary is dead, chilvary is dead, chilvary is dead.
I found myself late yesterday afternoon with this going over and over in my head. And I caught myself and was deeply wondering why. As always, ask a question and I get a download of information, whether I am expecting it or not, it just flows through.
I noticed that…
When Adaya is gone, I notice a huge gaping great hole in my life…
I notice that a man isn’t present in my life and what I realised last night? This is the longest time I haven’t had any sexual interaction with a man for over 4 months. It is huge. And I feel like, I’ve gone this long, keep going.
It isn’t just about the se x. It’s about the relationship. And more…
You see, some people crave se x. That used to be me. And I am sure, my se x fanatic self is still there. Actually I know she is. She is waiting patiently.
Something, I haven’t done before.
Let alone the huge life changes and pattern dynamic shifting bombshells that have rocked my world this past 3 months has been phenomenal.
And all this?
Is a choice. So don’t sit there and feel sorry for me.
I made a choice when at the end of last year, everything didn’t go the way I thought it was heading – yet again, I made a pact to myself.
That I was done with relationships.
Done with relationships that hid me.
Done with relationships that said one thing and felt another. (inauthenticity)
Done with the crap.
Done with ‘going along for the sake of it’
Done with not saying what you really mean when you don’t believe in the way I live my life.
Damn well DONE!
And what I realised?
That I was hiding myself.
That I was being in authentic. (pretending it was okay, when really it wasn’t)
That I was tired of the same patterns.
That I was doing it because ‘I thought that is what we are supposed to do’
That I was allowing people in my life, whom I knew didn’t agree with the way I live my life and ‘being okay with it!’
NO!! ENOUGH WITH THAT!!!
The other thing?
I realised (have known for some time!) that relationships and sex have been an addiction for me… and – they are my crux that keep me hidden from my purpose, sabotage me if you will… but I see them now and I keeping a close eye on you dear sabotage powers to be, that – keep me on track 😉
Last night when I found ‘chilvary is dead’ running around and around in my head on my late afternoon beach walk, I wonder what on Earth?! Where has this come from?
And I started thinking about Chilvary and that….. you know what?
This SPACE that I have had, from relationships, from men, has given me a HUGE gift.
I am so glad I have chosen this space.
Because for once in my life, I am ALLOWING myself to CHOOSE what I really want and let myself BE that person – so I can attract what I REALLY want.
I continued thinking about the type of men I have always attracted in my life. I found myself thinking about ex’s I’ve dated that talk about their ex constantly (red flag mind you), and how they always bought and paid for everything, supported them and more.
And I wondered why and how I haven’t experienced that.
You see the inauthenticity for me in the past, has been that I thought ‘that is what you do’ – be in a relationship to build a life together, to create a life together isn’t it, to support each other? And so I was looking for a relationship, because that is what you do. Apparently.
No wonder they never worked.
It was never what I wanted.
Not the traditional relationship anyway! When I was a teenager I never wanted kids and never wanted to get married.
Of course, my way of life changed when I realised Adaya was in my belly #godsendactually
I wouldn’t be living my life this way, if Adaya wasn’t here and I am grateful for Her.
I am getting side tracked…
This chilvary thing…
Call me old fashioned if you may…
Yet, I became really clear around my birthday last year, that I don’t want a man, who can’t pick up the phone and call me, let alone come around in person to ask me out on a date, that if the entire relationship is going to be text message? I am not interested.
Yes, we live in an online world, yes, we live in increasing amounts of technology.
Yet when the last 2 relationships have ended it with me via text message, #ouch, I vowed that if someone was to text me to ask me on a date, I am not interested. Period.
I’ve given too much of my life already, settling beyond my values and dropping what was important to me to satisfy them.
Because I wasn’t even clear on what was important to me. Because I wasn’t even clear on who I was. When someone paid attention or showed interest to me, I jumped in deep.
And I am very clear about what I want now.
And it seems the more time I spend on my own, the more I am setting even higher standards.
Thank you for my past, for all my ex’s. I love you for showing me who I really am, and what I really want – and what I deserve.
Yet, the deepest key in all of this?
This… chilvary thing?
This is about me.
Yes, I want a man who has these traditional values I realised BUT – and this is a VERY HUGE BUT – he also needs to be modern, open, grounded, present, successful and does the work. Just. Like. Me.
And chilvary? Well, unless I embrace this within myself, then I am not going to experience it in other’s right?
I feel like in the past 6-8 months I have come into such a deep love for myself that I’ve never felt before. And everything that isn’t that? Is simply not in my life anymore.
I made a pact to myself towards the end of last year when everything ended – again – that I would wait.
And it wasn’t about ‘waiting for the one to turn up’ – it was about ME, waiting for ME.
Waiting for ME to catch up.
There are certain things I want in life.
There is a certain lifestyle that I want to live.
And, there has been MUCH of that in the past 6-8 months, but there is MORE.
In the past, I speak of my massive dreams and the men I am with feel emasculated and more yet, don’t admit it, or maybe they aren’t even aware of it in themselves that that is what is going on. Yet, I realised, they have this thing, that I am expecting them to do it for me! VERY far from the truth! Yet, I realised it is an innate built in thing for men to be the provider and more. Yet, this isn’t what I am asking of them. Sharing it because they are my DREAMS! Yet, it always ended with them disappearing from my life.
Anyway, getting sidetracked again. The point to my story is…
That I made a pact to myself last year, that I want my business and my life, in a certain space and level before I start dating again. And if I don’t find ‘the one’ that is everything I am asking for?
I am completely fine with ME being ‘the one’ for the rest of my life.
If a man, chilvary and all and more, turns up in my field when I am ready to open myself to this again, then I trust and I know, I will FEEL it. Because there will be something, a pull, a drive a… ‘feel’ – you know, when you know, when you know right?
That pact I made to myself, I didn’t realise how powerful it was.
But I also realise, now, how damn amazing it was.
Because I am loving myself more each day.
I am getting more clear on what I want, what I value, what is important to me and sooo much more – ie, like the chilvary parts and me becoming soooo super clear on what I actually want in a man, let alone my life and what I actually want my life to look like – and CREATE that, not just be okay with whatever comes into my field and jump in blinkers on and all. Not anymore sunny jim! (?)
I realise how powerful that pact to myself is, because it is keeping me to my word.
I realise how powerful that pact is – because this no sex thing? I haven’t even touched myself!
I am very big on sexual energy, chemistry and more… yet, I have never ‘played’ with it like this before… and this surge of power?
Has been channeled into my life in many different ways.
And it isn’t something I’ve done before.
Definitely something I have heard and read about before, but not ‘done’ myself.
And I didn’t make a pact to myself to do this part, this honour of my sexual energy and chemistry within myself and to not have sex, let alone even touch myself!
And what I have realised?
It is that it is making me powerful beyond measure!
NOT that I will never have sex again – VERY far from that 😉
Yet, this right now?
I can feel my energy cleaning up, more and more…. This last moon blood flow – the second one in a row was soooo heavy like Niagara Falls! 2 in a row! And I had wondered why… and upon asking, as always, answers flow through to me. And this, not having sex, not being in a relationship for 3 moon flows now, has cleaned me out and I can feel it deep internally within, how powerful this is. And it is motivating me even more. As I said, I didn’t even know this is the gift nor ‘why’ I did it but wow, what I am receiving from this?
Is way more than ‘sorting my life out’ and ‘getting my business to a point where I want it before I date again’ – this is way more powerful than even those 2 things alone.
This has increased my spiritual power, my presence, my awareness, my BEING.
Our Base Chakra, is where our Soul is housed, and completely embedded in our body, all of our chakras switched on, activated, aware, conscious and so much more.
Base Chakra is also Trust, Fear, Money, Safety, Security, Sex and Life Purpose.
I guess, there is some serious Base Chakra Healing going on in my world 🙂
How is yours?
Of course I have thought about pleasuring myself, I know how to do that very well. And I believe it is important.
Yet, for whatever reason I haven’t during this time. And the realisations that I am having and the clearing out from the past 3 moon flows and what my energy, my frequency and my Soul’s path, let alone Soul being completely housed, present, grounded here and more in my entire body?
Powerful. To say the least!
Chilvary isn’t dead.
Nice guys are around.
And they have big hearts.
It’s just up to us women to know how to BE with such depth of LOVE.
And until we do that for ourselves, know ourselves and completely LOVE ourselves, we don’t feel comfortable with it, and so push it away.
I feel like I am saving myself, yet, this wasn’t the plan. Yet, I feel excited. Because I also feel like I am completely cleaning out of my old life, to let in the new on a huge vibrational frequency scale. There is something just around the corner, I can feel it in my bones and I am deeply excited and I know? That this… is all preparation.
Not a man, but something more. But maybe it is a man too 😉
Yet all of this? I’ve also been creating it, journalling it, calling it in.
And so the Universe is responding.
This cleaning out with my past 2 heavy moon flows, has been amazing to feel, witness and more. When I share myself, even with myself, it will be divine, sensual and something, beyond what I have ever felt before.
Don’t let the space scare you.
Don’t let the stillness and ‘nothings happening’ fool you.
This space, this stillness, this, presence – is deeply Feminine, is deeply powerful, is deeply…… here.
Don’t let here pass you by.
You’ll be moving again soon.
Let stillness be you here, present with your Heart. Because you are being shown all – ESPECIALLY these past 24 hours and 24 hours to come (She peaks in a few hours from now) – as our Dear Full Moon holds us in this space of beingness, love and presence. She is showing you – are you listening?
Let the inflow hold you. Let Her show you, how powerful you really are.
BE the chilvary you are.
Love, Hannah xxx
The Life Purpose Queen
P.S. Want to be held, cleansed and completely activated through your sexual self, through your Base Chakra, through your Life Purpose, through YOU? Our beloved Full Moon peaks in a few hours, and later this evening, I am holding our Full Moon Ceremony, live online and fully recorded so you can watch it in your timezone at your leisure. All the details are here: http://realityawareness.com/full-moon-ceremony/
Come and reclaim your Divine Power with our Earth Mother and Silverlight Goddess Moon xxx