02 Jun What the World needs is more realness….
I have been holding back… wondering ‘how’ to write it… I have been getting the nudge, to write it, to share it with you, yet I have not followed that nudge for wondering the ‘how’ to voice it… I am not sharing to get sympathy or poor you stuff, no, no, this is about being darn real and sharing to know that you are not the only one, you are not alone and it is about time we all got more real…
It has been hell the past few months. Absolute hell. Yes I have my good days but fark I have had my bad days. Yet, today, I was inspired to share my realness with you, after reading Kirsty’s Post: (you can read her’s here) because in the realness, there is truth, in the realness, there is light and in the realness – there is healing.
I know I am not the only one going through alot at this time… there are big shifts happening on the planet and it is being reflected in our inner lives and/or vice versa.. but there comes a time where the spiritual tools just don’t work, where the meditating and breathing just don’t work, there comes a time where the avoidance strategies we have in place just don’t work, that extra caffeine, that extra gym session this week, that day ‘have to do this first’ thing… So what are we left with? To damn well FEEL. That’s what.
What?!?! The spiritual tools don’t work?!? WTF?!? Yah. Anything can be used as an avoidance strategy. Anything. Avoidance to what? Avoidance to feeling that is what. You know, those feelings we’ve buried since childhood but actually you are not even aware that you have buried hurt and pain since childhood. We can sit and meditate until the cows come home, but if we are not feeling those feelings – you know, sitting in meditation or using whatever meditating tool that is to keep us in our head and out of our heart and body, then how can we heal? How can we heal if we are carrying around all this weighted emotional baggage and not dropping into our feelings to release them?
Now, I am not saying the spiritual tools don’t work, that certain breathing strategies don’t work that all that stuff doesn’t work… contradictory isn’t it? What I am saying is that there comes a point where we cannot run anymore and we need to let ourselves be in that vulnerable space, and actually let ourselves feel what comes up, arises, those tears that bubble – go there – follow them – move deeper into them.. because it is energy and energy needs to flow and move, and it just so happens, that those energy things in our body – they are called feelings.
I have been through more in the past 8 months than I have been through in my entire life. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse it has (yet I know it is clearing out for the new)… and I feel like I have been knocked down and knocked down and knocked down. Why? Well, funnily enough, I have been listening and taking action on my Heart… and it seems I have been ‘hurt’ more in the process…. yet, it is the human self and spiritual self, finally merging, finally becoming one, finally reuniting – and there is alot of grief, hurt and pain, from that deep separation that has been for so long and in the grief there is deep healing happening. A reuniting of ‘souls’ it feels like, this human me and spiritual me. Funny, when we are trying to find our twin flame, our soul mate, yet (as I have heard before and phhh whatever’s) – the one you are looking for is you. And finally, I am starting to understand the FEELING of it… and so, away creates my new reality….
There has been an awakening, a healing of my Heart.. and it has been huge. Yes I have had to make some extremely life shattering changes that have ripped my Heart out… yet, somewhere deep down, I have known, that this is what I have had to do to get to the place, I know in my Heart is possible.
Recently, I separated from my ex whom I have been getting professional help with the ending of this relationship, as it was an extremely addictive one and a significant event saw me reaching out – I cannot do it alone anymore. I needed help and even though the hardest thing I have had to do (actually face the pain and hurt the addiction had me stop feeling all this time, all these years), it has been the most rewarding. Even though it has felt shit and dark and painful, oh god extremely painful, like never before painful, somewhere deep down under the darkness, somewhere under the pain this light, this shining ray of hope, of joy, of peace, or whatever the hell it is…. I have been wanting/aware/needing to face this pain for a darn long time… and under all this a deep celebration – I am finally walking this path. And fark this pain has been painful! I took myself to many sessions with 4 different healers/therapists and although they all had their key factors in their own right, one resonated and helped me shift deeper than ever before, and it was from this 1 particular session that has given me the courage to take some deep journey’s into my crying spells than ever before – following that feeling – letting the memories arise that come with the tears… what do they say? What is it? Follow the flow to let it go…Let alone that, my daughter’s father has left to live overseas and so that is another huge change, 2 significant males leaving our lives and no family in this state, it has been a big time of BEING and FEELING and my goodness me….
Funny thing is, is that it hasn’t even been about the current relationship break up… well, the surface memory usually is… and then when I let myself drop into the feeling, the withdrawl that is oh so fucking painful, when I let myself cry and drop into that – something deeper usually comes to light… whether a different ex-partner that I didn’t realise I hadn’t healed from (oh actually there has been plenty of those in my cries and haven’t realised I have held onto so much and no wonder I have been attracting the relationships and situations since!) or a childhood memory surfaces… or a past life memory…. or something else…
So, the spiritual tools don’t work? Yes, they absolutely do work. I truly believe that without these tools that I know, have and use on a daily basis for nearly 10 years, that I wouldn’t have the psychic awareness of mind/body/soul/self/human/spirit etc to be able to drop into with such awareness of what feelings are arising. Yet, in saying that – don’t think you need to do such work before you can FEEL!!! Everything has a purpose and everything has a place on this Earth for a reason AND everyone needs a starting point, yet, just be aware of when you are in meditation trying to force away those feelings ‘because I have to meditate!’
This internal marriage that is occuring, the human self accepting the spiritual self and the spiritual self accepting the human self – we are not perfect (in a sense of holding it all together all the time, not asking for help, doing it all on your own, not letting yourself cry or rest when you need to) we never will be and if we keep going around wanting to be and thinking we have to be, this deep separation will continue… there is a spiritual ascension happening right now and it is “forcing” us to bring this marriage to fruition, to awareness to BEING. We are here to experience, we are here to feel. When we begin to heal, allow yourself all the time in the world you need to, to heal, because you are in essence, healing the world. Cry for days if you have to – trust me – you won’t be alone. Last week, I pretty much cried all week… and let myself, because I knew I was healing something deep, deep within me… and now, now I am starting to feel more free and more energy than ever before – because something very old, very deep emotion moved through me.
Hold yourself. Love yourself. You are so not alone.