15 Mar The concept of letting my child do what she wants when she wants seems radically outrageous
The concept of letting my child do what she wants when she wants seems radically outrageous….
Yet, any new concept can bring about the same reaction…
The same reaction to a new person that is… the concept of letting a child do what they want when they want, isn’t actually that new…
When Adaya was capable of pointing at things, I let her choose her own clothes.
“Oh my! That is outrageous! Why would you let a child wear what they want?! They need to wear the pretty little dress I bought for her before she grows out of it. She doesn’t know what she wants. Force her into this.” #myth
#truth: Babies and children understand what we are saying, long before they can talk properly. When Adaya was less than 2 years old and not talking, it used to be common occurrence that I would pull out the most beautiful dresses or skirt and top that she had, that her Dad had bought her top label, and she would shake her head strongly saying no and I would say, “Well what do you want to wear then?” She would pull out her Thomas the Tank Engine T-shirt and Adidas shorts and continue to wear ‘boys’ clothes day in day out. For years, this is all she wore. She would play with Thomas the Tank Engine Trains (she has soooo many of them!) and was car and motorbike obsessed.
I could’ve withheld all the ‘boys toys’ and ‘boys clothes’ that she wanted at that age. But why? Why should I have? Because of my own fears of her wanting to be a boy when she grew up? Because of what other people would think?
Geez, if I can’t support her choices in life ESPECIALLY at a very young and impressionable age – do you think she is going to listen to herself, her own choices and what she wants when she is a grown adult???
How can a child possibly know what they want when they are a grown adult – if their choices, especially the very simple ones – are taken away from them? Constantly being told, ‘No, that isn’t right – do this because I said so.’ What the actual f&*k!?!?! – And you want your child to have a strong sense of self and know who they are? But you constantly take the most simple choices away from them???
Think about it… a child wakes up, is hurriedly forced to 1. wake up 2. eat breakfast and shoved off to school.
Then get home, more schoolwork (geez, sounds like a 9-5 job to me – how old are they?!?!) and dinner time and then bed, to only do it all over again, day in day out… oh sorry, that’s right – 2 days off a week.
I am not having a go here…. just sharing from a child’s point of view – so the next time you get shitty at your child, because you interrupted them for playing their favourite game/toys because life doesn’t allow them a space to do what they want for 5 minutes – remember that giving them the extra choice back that previously you would always say ‘because I said so’ is more important than ever.
Yes, I hear, you have school bells to meet, appointments to attend too….
But don’t go around complaining that your children have left the nest and you have nothing to do now and are sad they are gone – you shipped them off every other day of their life – so this is what they are trained to do… why should they know any different?
Remember how you feel when someone interrupts your favourite TV Show…
Remember how you feel when someone wakes you up when you are still tired and could sleep for another 2 hours (yes, including your alarm clock, that you have to get to work for somebody else)…
Imagine how you would feel if someone is in your face – ‘Hang on, eat all your dinner now, or you don’t get dessert’ – IMAGINE if another adult said that to you?! – Like, really contemplate it for a bit!!!
‘Oh, they’re just kids, they’ll be fine.’ I hear you say…
So, when your teenager finally reaches their age where they find their voice and you wonder why they rebel against you??? How many times did you force your child to do something they didn’t want to do when they were younger? And you wonder why there is so much violence in the world? For example, telling a child not to punch children at school – but you smack them as discipline? What exactly is the difference there??
You wonder why your teenager reaches the age where they start lying to you and you get shitty at them?? How many times did you lie to your child??
IMAGINE… an adult withholding something from you when you ask – because you didn’t say please??? – LIKE IMAGINE THIS?!?! Play a game with your adult partner – get them to withhold something from you, because you didn’t say the magic word and see how frustrating it is…. ‘Oh, but they must learn manners!’ Come on! Don’t you get it yet??
CHILDREN DO WHAT YOU DO – NOT WHAT YOU SAY!!!
I have NEVER told Adaya to say please, thank you or any other manners…. There have been sooooooo many people who comment on her manners!
Yet, when she smells (from a mile away), someone who is forceful or authoritarian and ‘makes her do things’ – she does the complete opposite of what they ask/say! WHY?
Because she is NOT and NEVER been spoken to like this! She will just look at them like ‘really’?? She is most of the time, given a choice in everything that goes on. She is respectfully asked and then told WHY she has to do something. And then when she says no – to helping me around the house, to doing dishes or otherwise – I RESPECT HER NO AND LET HER DO HER THING!
Because it is showing her that it is OKAY to say NO! So that when she is older, she won’t be a people pleaser and do things for other’s to get approval… she is confident in herself enough that she knows what is right for her and not at any given moment…
Funny thing is… because I don’t ‘force’ her to do things around the house – she ENJOYS doing things around the house and does them without being asked! Can you believe it?? Well, you better…. cause it is our reality…
Of course there is limits, boundaries and some rules – like don’t touch the hot stove or if screaming in the house is too much for me because i am feeling sensitive this particular day, I ask her to stop – and then give my WHY! “Because I am feeling sensitive today and I am needing quiet and gentleness – can you do it outside?” And immediately she does… why???
Because I respect her feelings and she respects mine…. simple isn’t it?
You think just because she is a child, she should respect me because I am the adult and she should do everything I say? WTF?! You want a ‘trouble’ child, you want a ‘difficult child’ then go ahead…
Yet, give a little and your child will come back with open arms – BECAUSE YOU RESPECTED HOW THEY ARE FEELING!
When they are crying or upset – do you ridicule them and call them a whinger?!!? Or do you check in with yourself and remember that maybe, just maybe, they have had a rough and LONG day at school without you by their side and are tired and over it – just like you have your over it days?!?! Imagine having a shit day, and the person you most care about in the world tells you to toughen up and stop whinging and get on with it? Or would you rather them be kind and loving towards and give you a hug and say, ‘Oh, you are upset, have you had a rough day? What’s going on for you? I’m here’ – which would you rather? Why is it any different with your children???
Our children are our future. Don’t you get it? The way you speak to your child, is the way they grow up in the world. How much respect and honour for your child’s feelings is the way your child respects and honour’s other people. BECAUSE THEY GENUINELY CARE! NOT because that is how you forced and trained them to be ‘good’ girls and boys…
Children are not dogs that need to be trained…
They are Human beings and understand everything and the things that they don’t and continually ask ‘WHY’ – then you explain it to them – THE TRUTH – because they are little sponges and feel everything anyway, so you better be telling them the truth, so they don’t go all crazy and then you have to medicate them, simply because they are feeling everything of the adults around them, and the adults lying to them about the situation that is going on right now which makes them feel more confused because they feel the truth anyway…..
“Mummy’s had a rough day today and my heart is feeling a little bit sad that’s all, I need to take a bath and get an early night’s sleep to make me feel better.”
“Daddy’s feeling frustrated right now and needing some space, because he is tired from working all day, it’s not you hunny, okay?”
Simple explanations can change the entire atmosphere of a home…
Respect your children’s feelings, and they will respect yours….
Adaya didn’t walk until she was 18 months old… yet, I trusted she would…
Adaya didn’t talk until she was 3 years old… and it was like a light switch and she wouldn’t stop talking! She had been absorbing things for 3 whole years… Yet, I trusted she would…
When Adaya turned 7 – again, it was like this light switch – she began wearing beautiful dresses and playing with ‘girls toys’…. after 7 years, I was amazed at this change… Yet, I trusted her choices in what she wanted to play with and when….
How much more do you need to respect your child’s true feelings?
How much more do you need to stretch your trust in your child’s choices?
What can you change, to honour your child a little bit more right now?
P.S. If you would like a Psychic Tarot Reading to heal the past hurts from when you were a child and the lack of choices you had growing up, so you can extend your trust and respect your child a little more, then click here to book a Psychic Tarot Reading with me now babe: https://realityawareness.mykajabi.com/offers/Q7izFiij