15 Jan She’s crushed, but she’s not broken…
She’s crushed, but she’s not broken.
I was going to post this photo yesterday. Heck, I was going to ‘work’ all afternoon. But maybe I ended up doing the real work instead.
The light at my feet captivated me in this photo when I took it at the beach yesterday with Adaya, but I noticed how far out my belly was sticking out (yeah, yeah, maybe it isn’t for most people, but hey, you know your own body right?) and then I realised how self-conscious I was about it and then the rest of the beach experience I started processing and the rest of the day, was that.
All. Fucking. Day.
And now? Now, I feel like I could sleep for a week. To recover. To integrate. Maybe I just need some earlier nights in a row to catch up.
On Friday when I was in the garden, I crushed my left hand. I had my dear bestie over with her Daughter and I thought it was a good idea to pull the dead branch out of the big tree with a rope. Yet, with my gloves on pulling on the rope, it was slipping, so I wrapped my hand through the rope and as we all pulled on it, well my hand got crushed and the branch didn’t move. OUCH. It was like all my knuckles got crushed together and instantly my hand swelled up and hurt. I ignored it and wondered how else we could get the branch out and then I had to stop. I went inside and with loving attention from my bestie, I stopped. And tears started pouring out.
I was pissed off because I had only just started the garden and had soooo much to do and how was I supposed to do it one handed now?
But what the pain triggered?
Arms, hands – they are an extension of your Heart. Your physical heart and your spiritual heart, your heart chakra – and tears just started flowing like a tap, I had to stop and feel the pain. Deep. Pain, of what has happened with my family recently. I am fucking heart broken. Totally shocked, deeply, deeply heart broken that whatever family I thought I had, is no longer there. Gone. And it is going to take me some time to come to terms with this I have realised.
Upon assessing it, I was lucky my reflexes took me to unraveling my whole body in that moment on the rope like a ballerina, or it would’ve broken my entire knuckles (the ones that connect to my hand, not my fingers whatever they are called). It is deeply bruised and swollen.
Yet, I realised and had said to my bestie, ‘It’s crushed, but not broken. I am crushed, but not broken,’ I said in realisation. And tears just started flowing again.
I knew it comes in waves. I teach this. And I teach it, because I know it all too well and have experienced this at my core, many, many times. Grief comes and it goes. And when I look at the timing of everything, I haven’t had time to stop and feel the grief. In bits yes, when it is so overwhelming, or something triggers the pain – like crushing my hand.
Which is just so symbolic of it. Hand – handling things. Knuckles/bones, crushed and bruised as fuck – the structures I thought I had in place with my family no longer there. What crushes me most is that they think I did it on purpose, that I didn’t drive the whole 10,000km because I didn’t want to see them, that they think that I should have my life in more order and have a logical business plan in place that ‘should’ be supporting me right now. Gah. Yep, still lots of hurt and grieving for me to do.
They simply don’t know me. I am coming to terms with this. They were speaking from their hurt. I am coming to terms with this. Yet, my heart is still deeply crushed with the shock of what’s occurred. I don’t think they understand how much I deeply love them. And explains why I am so crushed.
I knew my hand was symbolic of my heart. And when I looked in the book, there were no knuckles, but the fingers? The first sentence I read had tears fall again when it explained, in what I understood, cut off from the throat chakra down. Yep. I haven’t been wanting to feel this pain.
The mastery comes in learning to ride the waves.
Because it does come in waves. You move through it. Then it is clear. Then another layer, another body release will come. Because emotions are stored in the body.
The mastery comes in not only knowing, that the pain is transient, a passer by, just like all other feelings and emotions, but the mastery is in feeling it, riding it, letting it BE that passer by, so it comes in, you feel it and it goes again…
Just like ALL emotions.
The mornings I wake up depressed, are the mornings I know I am holding back feelings and emotions. I am ‘depressing them down’ – usually because they are too painful and scary to feel.
When I took this photo and realised how self-conscious I was with my belly, I also realised at the same time, that I am about to bleed, so my Sacred Womb space is larger, is full and ready to release. And fucking bring that shit on! Release this past month? Yes fucking please.
Hurting my hand and having to keep doing the garden made me GO SLOW in the garden. It made me do it consciously. Rather than powering through just to get it done. Something I didn’t want to do. But was forced to do. I realised that it dropped me into deep self love. I am totally crushed about what has happened with my family. But it also made me realise how much hurt and pain has been in my heart – for the past 18 months.
Isn’t it ironic that I chose the word ‘Laugh’ for 2018???
And the start of January has been everything but that so far? (yes, so far, let me finish)
Total destruction of all relationships!
And my heart feels it deeply.
I love deeply and I feel pain deeply… I feel all deeply. I am deep. How deep do you want to take me? I can go there…. and beyond.
This scares people I have realised.
Yet, deep inside me, I am learning to not worry about them.
Even in the crushing pain.
Because that crushing pain?
Is making me realise how deep I go.
Making me realise how deep I had connected with them, that I wasn’t even aware of.
The going slow with my hand in the garden, saw me stop several times in that dirt and just floods of overwhelming tears fell into that soil.
The breaking of illusions. The breaking of threads.
And the energetic freedom that comes from that.
The energetic freedom that comes from feeling pain so deeply…?
Allows the light to get in there. DEEP in there.
And what comes to mind, is the message from Smoky Quartz, from The Liquid Crystals: “In Smoky Quartz’s embrace, the darker, more physical, the better, to her, darkness is a measure of light content, light that you can reclaim and us as fuel towards the goals and happiness you have chosen for your self.”
Note = chosen for your self.
Yep BOOM there is the key. That is exactly what I have done – chosen.
My last blog was all about that. What I have chosen in this past 2 years.
People always comment on how bright I am, how glowing I am, how beaming with energy I am.
Do you know why that is?? Exactly this.
And I feel ALL.
The darkest emotions – I GO THERE – SO THE LIGHT CAN BE TAKEN THERE.
What happens when you walk into a dark room with the light on your phone? THE DARKNESS DISAPPEARS!
It is transformed.
I feel the darkest depths of being crushed beyond measure by those that are in my close ‘circle’.
And when the reality of those that are shown are actually NOT supposed to be in that close circle, I feel it, fuck I feel it. Even though I know it is ‘right’, it still fucking hurts. So don’t go commenting telling me it is all meant to be and the ones who are meant to be there will be blah blah blah. I fucking know this shit. That is spiritual bullshit that drives me insane when people tell me this shit.
Keeping it real – feeling exactly what is without some spiritual slogan trying to be slapped on to help the situation.
If you want to help, give empathy. Or just give your presence. That is all. And if you don’t know how to give empathy, read “Non-violent Communication, A Language of Life” – by Marshall B Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Yes, I am swearing alot. If you have issues with it, delete me, why are you still reading if you are so offended by the f word?
So, back to the point of my picture… and my Sacred Womb. Because I got the message right away when I got self-conscious about my belly and didn’t post it on my story straight away… I got the message loud and clear when it came up for me – this is the blog photo. Gah. Okay.
And at the same time – 100% YES with that internal ROAR that is alive, well and deeply FEELING ALL right now. The darkness.
My Sacred Womb is about to flow and release all that has been this past month and beyond…
The generational threads and karmic ties have been cut and the threads are being released, cleansed and more (This coming Full Moon is a Blue Moon and a Lunar Eclipse – what a time to be releasing this shit! Read more on that here: http://realityawareness.com/full-moon-ceremony/)
My Sacred Womb has been being cleanse beyond measure. The depths of Her wrath, felt, Her darkness, felt, Her fury, felt, but under all that wrath, darkness, fury and rage…. is the sadness, the despair… and under that?
No coincidence, I just happened to have Woochy, my Chihuahua on a lead next to me. He, to me, represents my vulnerability, my innocence. I guess I needed him close to me without realising it yesterday.
To be tender, gentle and honouring all the fury, rage, wrath and deep, deep darkness.
I was very aware that it is Dark Moon time right now, as we lead to New Moon – whatever is not working is cleansed, shed and let go of…. so of course, it is all right on course, on path, all in total alignment.
My inside of my home got a huge cleaning out yesterday… didn’t want to do it, like the garden the previous two days… but Her wrath and fury, made it happen…
With my ex, again texting me and saying he wishes it could be different between us and then 10 minutes later send another text saying he is seeing someone else?! Gah. More clearing. I had set a strong boundary on my road trip coming home. I finally drew a line in the sand and said to him that the only space I am willing to discuss anything between us if it is serious about us getting back together is in front of our counsellor (which we had done a long time ago). And he didn’t want to.
And so, with deep self love, I stay committed to that boundary.
People don’t like boundaries. Especially not when they haven’t been in place before.
Yet, the love for self for me, is growing beyond anything I have ever felt.
Feeling this depth of pain from many relationships dissolving and disintegrating and the depths of pain that I am feeling in these huge waves?
Something massive is changing.
Something massive is coming.
Something massive is here.
When I look back over 2017, relationships were at the forefront of sooo much pain for me.
Why? I am sure I could finger point and label why…
I don’t want to pull it up again.
Because I have chosen.
I have chosen LAUGH as my word for 2018.
Which, when it even came to me, was big. I even wondered about it! Because I usually choose things like freedom, or nurture, or something.
But this felt ALL of those years in one word – LAUGH.
When I knew my bestie was coming over for the day last week I asked her to bring the essential oils I wanted down – Lemon and Orange. Which, again, in the past was very different to the sandlewood and more that I had wanted and received.
I was craving them! Especially the Orange.
It only dawned on my last night to see which Liquid Crystal it was connected to. Amber. Laughter. Ha. Of course. And soooo significant the negative and positive attributes were it for me. Duck is the Animal Totem. Ducking. Of course – ducking. For ducks sake! Haha
Joy is a choice.
Happiness is a choice.
And that IS what I have been choosing everyday, in my journalling, in my choices and more. Yet, the ‘unhappiness’ threads, energetically non-alignment of that had to be severed.
I’ve shifted so much, that it couldn’t be sitting there dormant and unconscious anymore.
Yet, I see that everything that has gone on, even in the past 12 months, has shown me how deep I can go – in pain and that means that this deepest, darkest pain, is taking the light, the brightness of its light, it’s glory, it’s fuel – to fill that space with light and brightness sparkling and shimmering deep at my feet.
It has also shown me, how much internal work I have been doing.
All in my Sacral – the place where you are nourished.
The place where the Buddha, is content, that deep Buddha laugh.
Again, no surprise I am about to finish filming Calling In Your Soulmate – which is based in the Sacral Chakra – where you are nourished at your core – content, like the Buddha, not needing for anything, but all comes in because you are at THAT vibration of all that is.
To shift your physical vibration – and when you do shift – whatever is no longer in that same energetically vibration is cleared out of your body.
THAT is what is going on.
THAT is what has going on.
THAT is what is happening.
The Light is there.
Holding it, transforming it.
Love, Hannah. xxx
P.S. Want to know how to support yourself in the darkest times to take the depth of light INTO your BEING? Want to know how you can clear out your next level vibration so you ONLY attract into your life what you want? Want to deeply nourish yourself and BE content like the Buddha? Early bird is OPEN now and only 2 weeks left before the Early Bird Closes. Click here for all the details and to join us now: https://realityawareness.lpages.co/sacred-manifestation/