I've been stepping out of the drama, but my system wanted to pull me back in

I've been stepping out of the drama, but my system wanted to pull me back in.

I noticed.... with all this space.. having consciously taken time off over the Christmas break which is a FIRST for me in the last 4 years, I was enjoying the Peace and quiet. 

And yet my system, or let's say my subconscious patterns, my subconscious energy, wanted to create all this drama and intensity. 

Because that is what I am used to. 

I am used to living on edge, I am used to walking on eggshells, I am used to waiting for the next 'explosion' and living in this subconscious fear for the next out break or out burst. 

Constantly in a state of fight or flight. 

For the next belting, the next hiding, making sure I am doing everything right because God forbid I not be there for that person in the way they need me to be or to behave or to walk or to talk or I will get in trouble, receive a belting even. 

#huge

This is the level of pattern that is clearing out of me right now and it is massive. 

I almost pulled myself back into the drama this morning. And yet, I caught it. 

In fact it wasn't even drama, it was depression. 

After a week of breathing space, of a very low workload compared to my usual 99% of my day filled constantly with work of some sort - whilst I love what I do - I had created intensity within my work sphere, with how busy I keep myself, with my 'need to push' to create outcomes and goals and whilst that is still a thing, I have shifted the INTERNAL feeling of what I need to to do achieve my goals. 

It is tricky to describe, but let's say, as a child growing up, I was always waiting for the next outburst. 

I learnt to... walk on eggshells, so I didn't cause the explosion. 

I also learnt that... that is how we deal with stress. By having outbursts. 

I was never taught to love myself and say no to demands on my time and energy. 

I was never taught that self love, was setting boundaries with people I have in my life and how I work with my beloved clients or even my business! 

I was taught that you have to push yourself and work to the bone to even get anywhere. 

As a society that is what we are taught. 

With the huge influx of enquiries to work 1:1 with me in this last few days, I woke up this morning depressed. 

Then when I dug deeper, I questioned - for a split second - if I was doing the right thing. 

By only having two options to work with me. 

Working solidly with clients for 99% of my day, is all I have been doing for the last 2 years! #solid! I have not gone a day since June 2018 with not having a client on WhatsApp. I have learnt soooo much and a HUGE part of my business success and creative pursuits, have come from this space and I am soooo grateful. 

I am grateful I have created a life that I can have clients and work whatever hours I want to work, when I choose to work and now.. with whom I want to work. 

However, this morning when I woke up depressed and dropped deeper into where it was coming from - I realised that... with all this SPACE this last week, whilst it has been peaceful and a breathing space for me and sooo grateful to be catching up on work that was put on hold back in June 2019... now a bit more time has gone on - this SPACE and all the influx of enquiries this last few days I was like - errr, have I made the right choice?!!

OF COURSE I HAVE! 

#1 - doubt will ALWAYS come in AFTER you have made a decision - so keep going! It is your sign you HAVE made the right choice. 

#2 - I quickly shook it off, because the thought of 8-10 hours of my day going to purely working 1:1 with people 7 days a week, is not something I choose to do anymore. 

I know I have helped so many and have learnt sooo much from supporting people leaving domestic violence situations, to managing staying in relationships and marriages living with narcissists and how to deal with that because they choose to stay there, from increasing psychic development beyond anything I knew was even possible, to being able to write a book on the Past Life experiences/lives lived that I have explored with my clients, to taking risks in business that people just wouldn't... do. 

I have a wealth of knowledge and deep experience in things that I just wouldn't be at this level had I not just 'done it anyway' and created what I have. 

The biggest part of this realisation this morning is that... whilst I love what I do, and times, is deeply heavy, intense and incredibly energetically massive to hold such space for one person in deep grief, let alone 10-15 sometimes more at one time for a 3-12 week space. 

It's huge. I don't actually know anyone else who does this. For the level of trauma that I hold space for people to clear out.. is just massive. 

And it has taken me a while to realise this! 

Because just like my gift... I just though this is normal and this is what people do. "No Hannah, you have a gift." Oh. **cue reality shifting moment**

Because of the space I hold for some of the darkest spaces of humanities trauma that people only hear about on the news, I have realised... this morning - it is intense and somewhat - a drama! 

Gosh I actually hate that word - drama - it was always used to degrade me, when I was simply upset. And would infuriate me more, because they couldn't hold space for the truth being spoken! 

And yet, over the years... the drama.. that I would create - I realised, only this last 18 months or so - has been a by-product for living on edge, living... out of a reaction to the trauma response that I had been carrying in my body for many years... that was normal for me. 

For me to step out of a pattern or drama creation - that I have noticed has crept in, in many places.

If I wasn't in a 'drama' relationship, I would be watching drama blood and killing netflix shows. 

If I wasn't watching that nor in a relationship, I would be listening to some of the heaviest real life trauma experiences from my clients, that would break my heart that they have even gone through, let alone the depth of honour, respect and deep knowing that they have a HUGE Life Purpose to live, or they just wouldn't be healing through it with me, so they can support others to shift through what some just wouldn't even fathom is possible. 

Why would I do this? 

It took me a long time to figure this out, since I first heard Markus Rothkranz say many years ago, he could never understand why his ex would be all healthy and yoga style person, but watch murder mystery drama shows. It always stuck with me, because I used to love that stuff as a teenager and into my adult years. Since then, it has been an unravelling of 'why'. 

When someone grows up through a child hood system, where they are constantly on edge, waiting for the next outburst, whether they are conscious of it or not, when we grow up and leave home - even though unhealthy, it is what we have learnt that... is what love is. 

Even though unhealthy love - that is also normal for us. 

It is a huge re-wiring because that is all I have known. 

I remember being with an ex, when I began to become aware of this 'drama for love pattern'. 

I remember being at so much Peace, sitting on my bed, chilling and then the text barrage began. I was so conscious of it - because he literally was picking a fight with me. I was in shock, then eventually he pushed my buttons the way he knew how got a massive reaction out of me, it was on like donkey kong, then suddenly he was quiet and back to normal and I was like WTF! I was left emotional, hurt, and took me days to recover again. 

This was coming from a man, who as a child, his Mother ONLY yelled abuse at him all the time - that was normal. 

So, if there was anything but that in his relationship with a woman, he didn't feel loved by her. 

Yes, unhealthy patterns - but this is the society we live in! 

UNLESS YOU DO THE WORK TO SHIFT IT! 

For me, the hugest part stepping from co-dependence into inter-dependence within myself, has been one of the biggest transitions of my life.. and is not something that happened over night! 

It was a huge wake up call that day and of course - could see sooo much of myself in that reflection - that is 'why' I would create the drama in my past relationships - to feel loved! #crazy

It's not something that I consciously chose, but the journey to self love, to being so conscious of these patterns, of choosing to learn that Peaceful love, kindness and gentleness is SAFE and okay - you know, the Hannah that loves the bad boys, is actually repelled by them these days. 

Still a bit to go, because the 'repelling' isn't at 'Peace/Balance' with them.. yet, but I definitely have learnt to stay away from them, BECAUSE of this awareness of these patterns. 

After what I went through earlier this year, the spiritual man, is also something I am deeply conscious of the strong clear boundaries and what is in alignment and not in alignment anymore either. 

I am definitely not the besotted little girl who takes people at face value anymore. Or, word value anymore. Actions are everything and even in the online world - you can feel that person's actions, beyond the words - plain as day. 

That is WHY we have the gift of being the Empath, we just need to learn how to use this gift, which is what I teach in Trust Your Intuition. 

WHICH brings me to - 'What if I just trusted, with boundaries?' 

I posted this the other day - and forgot to add the 'with boundaries' part on. 

This applies for me in dating, in business and in life now. 

I used to just trust blindly - but that is how we get pulled off path, how we get our heart broken and how we never trust again and instead get left in a pile of broken hearted grief and pain that... is that drama and intensity again! That life is always like this and 'never stop's! Right?

If you're feeling this... your goal here - is to learn to train your body, your mind, your LIFE to be comfortable in the Peace. 

To get super clear on your boundaries - meaning - get clear on what is important to you. 

For example, I am using the dating scenario for myself, because I am about to step into this space soon.. 

If there is someone who ticks SOME boxes and I turn a blind eye to the rest - am I going to be happy later on? Nope. 

So, my self worth and self love is DEPENDENT on ME - making sure I don't drop what is important to me - ie those things that didn't tick the boxes are going to cause the unhappiness and torture down the track. And sure fire heart break. 

Whereas if I stay clear and true to what is right for me, what I WANT rather than dropping those little things (because they become BIG things later on), I stay on track, my heart stays happy and my dreams manifest sooner because I didn't go off path. 

To think, that all of this, came from me exhausted from the pattern of doing more to be good enough. 

To think, that all this came from me being tired of the same burn out pattern - not just in my business - but in my life with relationships and realising that the drama and intensity is something I have lived with for life.. and creating a life without that - is work! 

And deep digging! 

To think that all this unravelling came from me mentioning to my mentor how I am burnout from listening to some at times, very heavy experiences our humans have gone through and some how are still living for 8-10 hours a day and her, asking me one simple question: 

"How can you still do it, without the burnout? How can you support yourself in this?" - that one little question, one little sentence that came almost 2 years ago.... that I wouldn't have made it through without her constant support since then... to shift to where I am now - with the depth of clarity that hasn't just changed my business structure - but my entire life. 

A life without drama, intensity in SOME way? A life of Peace - which is why I 'ran away' in the first place? 

Because my sensitive empath heart has so much to give - that can't be bogged down with the intensity neural pathways still firing anymore?

It has taught me to honour myself more than I could ever have dreamed of before. 

However... this is... the feeling I KNEW I had to BE, to LIVE, before any of my dreams could manifest. 

The long haul, ain't easy or is for the faint hearted. 

But the other side.... IS easy.. and life only get's better from here on in. 

Because I said no to what is not in alignment. 

And chose to say YES to my life instead! 

I am worthy regardless what I do. 

I am loved, regardless what I do. 

I can receive love, give love and BE love, no matter what I do. 

Because I am Love. 

And that, is all I need to do. 

With boundaries of course 😉

Love, Hannah 
The Life Purpose Queen 👑

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