where the fuck has Hannah gone?

where the fuck has Hannah gone?

The truth is.. I don't fucking know. 

I used to walk around - with - what I look back on now - like a big chip on my shoulder. I was confident, clear in where I was going, knew who I was and now - where the fuck has Hannah gone? 

This last six months of recalibration has shifted me and fucked me all the same time. 

It has fucked me in a sense that I used to run on trauma filled adrenalin seeking achieving look I am good enough now and.... 

Now in this SPACE that I have had in the last six months with my team taking a huge workload off my back - 

In the start - it used to feel like they were pulling at me, tugging at me asking me this question and that and when will this content be ready that you wanted me to do for you Hannah - and when I tuned into it - no, it felt like... it was all the jobs - the zillion things I have held together and done... all leaving my body, my aura, my energy. 

This has been an insane journey of unravelling this last six months of restructure... that... 

I actually don't know who I am (well it feels like). 

One of my beautiful Soul Sisters in our Trust Your Intuition Tribe, shared a post today: "Maybe you're not healing because you're trusting to be who you were before the trauma that person doesn't exist anymore cause there's a 'new you' trying to be born, breathe life into that person." - THAT is what is going on for me - and exactly why I don't know where the fuck Hannah has gone - because this is an entirely new me being born right now. 

Whilst I have dropped down into the dark abyss and beyond travelling the darkest threads of I am not good enough, I haven't achieved what I wanted to achieve, but I don't want to do it anyway, I don't know what I am doing anymore... 

I KNOW

I KNOW 

I KNOW IN MY HEART

I CAN FEEL IT IN MY BONES

That Hannah... 

Is changing. 

From that rev head, hippie raver bogan that is deeply hurt buried in her heart... 

That SOMETHING is coming out of me - something ELSE is sitting there - I can feel it, but I have no idea what it is and it is confusing for me.. I feel like I am lost, I feel like I am trying to grasp on to something that once was that.. is no longer valid, no longer real, no longer fits, no longer is aligned..... 

And yet... I KNOW that this is an unthreading.... 

That Hannah that has been trauma filled, taking drugs (2005 I stopped) to fill a void - to cover the trauma and then releasing the drug party days to trying to manage how to be a person who carries such deep pain that she takes deep into her heart - that reacts to everything anyone says and then gets told she is crazy... to sitting in therapy solidly for almost 5 years with a powerful mentor that completed the same training I did back in 2005 (that took me off drugs in the first place)... 

And... here I am sharing all my achievements again... 

And there I get stumped again. 

So many things in my face lately about how ranting about your achievements comes from lack, scarcity and a sense of not being good enough. And maybe I halt because there is truth in it. It makes me doubt myself. 

That..... seeing all the 'feminine courses' selling whatever shit they are selling triggering the fuck out of me for MONTHS, thinking something is wrong with me, because I am not this.. whilst realising I have been in my masculine all this time... realising that it is the masculine that reacts and throws back.. and how that has been normal for me for a long time, let alone the adrenaline chasing self so connected to the masculine.... realising deeper to that - that the masculine and being in that energy - is actually just the hard case shell of trauma around me 😳

Realising this... breaks me down... breaks my heart... breaks me some more... as I look around to what on earth is any of it for... and how did I end up HERE... with the completely nothingness of abyss of everything I let go of to get to HERE.... that the masculine push - was coming from the trauma shell... that then also stepping into single mothering for almost 13 years now, and doing EVERYTHING by myself since 17 years old when I left home to leave for the other side of the country and stayed here ever since...

I forget, that most haven't lived a life like that.... MAYBE... just MAYBE... it is this - Feminine me coming out.. maybe this is HER surfacing... maybe that is what I can FEEL that is so foreign and yet so HOME unlike any other ever before.... 

That this trauma shell is collapsing, disintegrating.. and then deep tears and grief and feeling at a complete loss - well how the FUCK do I do it all and keep up with everything i need to, not just in my business, but in day to day life with these zillion animals and properly to care for let alone myself and my daughter if this entirely new experience of 'feminine' if that even is what it is that is trying to come out that IS coming out and nothing I can do can stop it - wants to just do absolutely nothing and disappear in to the abyss at the same time? And there is my control, trying to control something I just cannot - again...

Maybe I am behind the times. 

Maybe I am lost. 

where the fuck has Hannah gone. 

In January, I got tired of talking about my narcissistic ex... and so I stopped. And it unravelled an entire piece that I don't know what else to talk about. Sure. I can talk about spirituality until the cows come home...

But the biggest thing that has been in my face this last month or so is how much shame I have been feeling... how much - I had buried that feeling of rejection - has been probably the biggest feeling. 

Rejection from my family. 

Rejection from my ex. 

That all these years of pushing, of creating a better life for myself and my daughter, to prove to my ex that I was always going to do it as much as he brought me down for not being normal and telling me to get a normal job more times than I can count... 

To all this SPACE - realising how devastated I actually am to be here - that my family rejected me in such a way and still do.. that I chose to distance myself from them and then dove into my work to.. I don't know I was busy I had work to do - this last six months has been stifling with the grief that has surfaced around my ex and my family and just how much I chose this life instead of dimming and killing my Soul to stay connected to them, that the reality of that and the grief that comes with that change... has been surfacing. Greatly. 

People would say - just get over it Hannah. The truth is, I did get over it. But I obviously was still in coping mechanisms of working and 'getting over it' - and now, with all this space... how much my Heart (of course on Heart week) is looking around - going what is any of it all for? What is this life even for? 

And those people that tell me to get over it, are not a single mother, with no family around and a drive to not live a mundane ordinary life or live by just getting by with their daughter. No. They are not ME. 

The piece I have been unravelling... something sitting there - so so deeply - something so so huge - that is sooooo different to what I used to be... that ranty reactive bitch that would gossip and say stuff about anyone else... 

That - again.. this self judgement has been monstrous. Realising so much of who I used to be - is a person who is carrying a bucket load of trauma. 

And so who am I without that? 

What sort of person am I without that? 

Would I be reacting to every single post I read and putting other people down for what they write from their heart like I see others do that I cringe at because I used to? 

Because I see my reflection in them - that is like a glass shell in replacement for their aura - simply rebounding off everyone else's work, words and heart and soul - instead of completely dropping into the divine essence of who they are..... 

I've lost a lot of clients and followers in this last six months with me releasing this old Hannah - the one that doesn't mother and coddle them anymore... they have simply dropped out of my field some quite loudly, others just disappeared, still rearing their head every now again and to see if I would be that mother coddling people pleasing person who doesn't want to be rejected by anyone anymore. Nope. That door isn't opening again. 

Looking around at an empty house filled with so many animals and a landscape that still takes my breath away... wondering what now? 

I have been feeling an intense amount of 'wrongness' this last week - so many judgements from people about how wrong my life is and that compounds on burying myself deeper into the ground wondering how I got HERE. 

And yet, I look around and my animals are my family and how that they have kept me sane (sometimes insane with the work load at times!) and how.... this.... is dropping me into Who I Am... 

What I can feel deeply sitting there - awaiting to come out of me is different... 

It isn't the old Hannah

It isn't even the Hannah without her trauma... 

This is something completely different and I think my frustration and huge contributor to the depth of the darkest abyss I have ever been in, is that I have no idea what or who this new Hannah is... 

But I can feel She is rock solid, I can feel She is ever present.. I can feel she is THERE without any need to do anything other than what she wants to do, when she wants to do it. 

To be there not for service to Humanity, but for service to Her. 

That... is what I can feel the clients and followers have gone from.. because I am not there for them as the Mother they never had... 

I have been coming to terms with my own rejection around the realisation that I am not even that person anymore and how - just like when you thought someone was a friend and then when you put boundaries in place and say no - they disappear faster than the river draining out to the ocean and you are left wondering what sort of friendship it even was?

That as my entire vibration and frequency is shifting into something entirely new - the amount of people that drop out of my field at the same time is something that takes me a bit to process and put all the pieces of the puzzle together. 

That I am not ranting and raving from the reactive space that I used to. 

Sure, I have definitely been lost for words this last six months at times. I am not speaking from the part of me that has been devastated, speaking from the hurt filled place of relationship break up, family rejection and wondering what I am even doing with my life after pushing for 4.5 years online and then having a team to all this space to - woah, what is happening again. I have been in a tunnel for 5 years. Now, is a huge recalibration into what I really want - the chains have been let go, I am out of the rat race, I am out of the government pension system as a single... so now what? 

I keep reminding myself, just like I would share to a client if they were coming out of a 5 year relationship, a few months, is still healing and deep recalibration time, and have been gentle on myself and frustrated at the same time, how did I end up HERE???

Not knowing what to do, not knowing what to post, not really caring about it either. 

Showing up differently. Showing up... because I want to, not need to. 

This complete unravelling is revealing something else... that I can feel sitting there and waiting... waiting for the time to emerge in the complete unique synchronistic piece that has long lain buried deep within awaiting for this time... this time to arrive... 

When I am not so busy being there for everyone else.. 

When I am not so busy pushing and striving... 

When I am not in control.... 

But when I am completely surrendered... 

When I am completely adrift from my own agendas... 

And lusciously anchored into the Divine... 

THAT is where the fuck Hannah has gone. 

You can be lost and found all the same time. 

You can be grounded and ungrounded at the same time. 

You can be holding onto the reigns and completely adrift at the same time. 

I recently heard Amanda Frances say recently, she doesn't believe in sacrifice, she believes in all the things and some more - not her words, but the way I understood it is you can do and have all the things, be all the things and for me - that sacrifice in the last few years - hasn't been that. 

With her explanation, something lifted from me. More wrongness lifting from me. Have I been judging myself for all these things? Or carrying other peoples words so deeply in my heart as I release the last threads that have kept me tied to my old life - all the co-dependent relationships that stem from family system lineage of the energetic matches - are all dissipating - because - it hasn't been sacrifice. 

It has been me fully committing to what was right for me. (Which ALL those co-dependent non visionaries ALL have told me to stop what I am doing at one point or another and it just crushes my Soul and makes me doubt and disappear and then eventually I shake them off me and remember who the fuck I am - but that takes time and energy out of me)....

It has been me, fully being present with ALL the things AND some more. 

It has been me, choosing where I spend my time and energy with my Divine Vision that has been there since 2005, the driving force behind ALL the choices, not just in these last 5 years - but since 2005. 

It has been me, fully choosing my Purpose ever since then and not being comfortable doing anything else BUT that. 

It has been me, evolving each and every single time as my Soul demanded - just like now, as I come out of this last 5 years of tunnel vision that has.... healed me, taken the hard case trauma filled veil from me, that has shifted 99.9% of all relationships out of my life - to become who I am still becoming. 

And that... is an abyss that not many are comfortable in - the one where you have to let go of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE you thought would be there until the end. 

This, is my forte. 

This, is my Gift. 

The ultimate Divine Grace, guiding me.... even through the darkest tunnels that have no end in sight. 

She, has been there... 

And is emerging fiercely... boldly... unapologetically.... 

Divinely. 

Here. 

Love, Hannah 
The Life Purpose Queen 👑

P.S. Did you see? I had the hugest drop in the gym yesterday, after returning to the gym and actually finding one out here in the country (thank fuck!) Something deeply clicked into place #ofcourse - it feels like all the pieces of the recalibration are starting to become clear PLUS Reality Awareness is stepping into celebrating 5 Years online throughout July! #huge

The biggest drop - ONE of the pieces anyway - have been that I am releasing $197 Psychic Readings throughout July to Celebrate the clarity that is starting to deeply anchor in after 5 years of fumbling around and unequivocally trusting the evolution of my Life Purpose. Click here for all the details: https://www.realityawareness.com/psychicreadingswithhannah

P.P.S. We are DAYS away from starting the most transformative course that has led me to where I am today, where I teach, share and give you permission to ARISE into the Ancient Blooded Healer that you ARE at your core - of course, you don't need permission - but that guiding light - anchoring that deep trust within yourself to birth the Uniqueness of your Life Purpose? That level of trusting your intuition - is right here: https://www.realityawareness.com/trust-your-intuition